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| 2010-08-29 | He Had A Dream Two |
| Ok in the past I may have taken a few shots at the Beckster for his crying jags and the white supremacist angle he’s always pushing but you gotta give the dude some credit. I mean he really is one crafty little gnome having pulled off his teastock gig in DC. You know he’d have rather done it in Memphis but those Koch boys and Dick Armey said go with the Dream theme spot rather than the final solution place. Much better photo op. The problem is now we gotta get ready for the copy-copycats to do their thing. You know in a few days Hannity will be telling everyone about his own event in Dallas at Dealy Plaza on November 22. His people will give it some dumb ass label like “Taking Back Our Malls” or “Support Our Coast Guard” so they can milk it via the non profit route like his Freedom Concerts. He’ll have to toss in maybe a line or two about JFK lowering taxes and then he’ll be able to do his own JC/Buddha/Mohammed pose to a butt load of bused in Wal-Mart shoppers too. Beck’s breathing down his neck in the ratings man and there’s no way he doesn’t return serve on this one. Does anyone think it’s gonna stop at those two conservo- dweebs? You think O’Reilly is gonna now pass on his turn to assume the position in front of say the Ambassador Hotel in LA next June 5th? He could toss out a word or two about knowing one of RFK’s cousins or something before going off on how hard it is to find good (Anglo) help in LA these days. Or Limbaugh. Remember him? You know that he’s gotta be pissed right now cuz Beck was a loser Top 40 DJ just like him not that long ago and now is creeping in on his turf like a Blood in South Central. It took Rush a long time to figure out this recipe and now this little punk cuts in line after stealing it lock stock and barrel? I figure he’s going to come up with some stuff that blows the Fox Nation away……. maybe even something that doesn’t call for piggybacking on the memory of guys that their posse can’t stand and were assassinated. Since that angle has already been done he might have to take it to the next level and do his thing on St. Patrick’s Day. I mean there’ll be millions of ditto heads using the day as an excuse to get blasted so he wouldn’t even have to write a speech or anything. Who wants to hear someone blabber on for hours when you’re shit faced? Nah, all he’d need to do is say a few buzz words like illegal immigrants, Muslims, Obama, gay weddings, the New Black Panther Party (all 7 of them), global warming, Obama, guns, gold, any kind of tax, Obama, uppity women and maybe socialism in whatever order and he’s golden. When you see how easy it is for these gas bags to play their fans it gives nobodies like me hope that maybe I could get a piece of the action too. I may not be real smart with words and things but I can wave the flag and yell how great this country could be again if only we could go back to the good old days too. It can’t be that tough and I am still sorta between jobs so what do I have to lose? I mean even if I didn’t make much bread by holding my own rally maybe I could at least meet some hot chicks. Besides getting my hands on enough dough to pay my rent before it’s due groupies are second on my wish list so I really should look into this. I know Beck says he got 350,000 to 600,000 semi-humans whichever number is bigger to come out for his deal but even if I draw 75 to 100 in front of the Sonic near my apartment I could make some serious spare change by passing the hat while I dropped some dope wisdom on them. Like rap about God, the free market (still don’t know what the hell that means) and no more black presidents and it should do the trick. Hell, even if I don’t make enough to pay the rent for sure I’ll get enough for a couple chili dogs and a large grape slushie so I gotta start writing my speech ASAP. I’ll let you know how it goes. Later |
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| 2010-08-19 | A Little Me |
| I don’t know if I’ve said anything about it before but this summer I got a new roommate. It was a surprise kind of deal as I wasn’t really looking for one after the last dude who was crashing in my apt drank a ½ case of Red Bull one night and jumped out the window. Didn’t die but broke both legs cuz I only live on the third floor but I think he’s now crashing in his parents basement. Anyway, this new person hanging out with me is pretty young. Like 13. The lady who’s his mom said he’s my kid so what was I supposed to do right? Don’t really remember her much except when she laughed when telling me he doesn’t eat much. That laugh made me remember her as there’s not many women who sound like Alvin, you know, one of those chipmunks I used to watch on tv. So after I figured out I did know her and she swears the kid is mine I sorta didn’t say much except to ask if he had gotten his shots and if he was potty trained before I said it was ok if he stayed with me for a little while. You know the basics. After she asked him to run to her car to get his suitcase and he was gone for a few minutes she layed it out to me. I guess we did sleep together a couple times (that was during the time I tossed my condoms and was following this Eskimo birth control thing I had read about in some magazine, I think it said you couldn’t get any girl pregnant if you drank cod liver oil, a ton of it which I did each day) so I could be his dad. I mean it’s possible. She said she wasn’t going to ever tell me cuz of how dirty my bathroom was in those days. Something about how that says a lot about what kind of husband a guy would make. Seriously, there are so many things on a chick’s checklists these days it’s a wonder anyone gets married. Anyway, I guess he’s a pretty good kid. Only been to juvie once, for egging the neighbors house. She said he went through 18 dozen AA free rangers. He saved up for months to buy them cuz the neighbor was a real asshole. The guy wouldn’t give back a soccer ball that accidentally landed in his garden. Hell if it was me I would have gone nuclear on him. He gets decent grades (B’s and C’s) except in science, which he gets F’s in just like me. Suppose that shouldn’t make me proud but it is kind of cool when a little kid does things just like you. Know what I mean? When he got back with his stuff she asked him if he was scared or anything and he said no but I kinda think he maybe thought I might be a Jehovah’s Witness or something. The look in his eyes said I want to go home with my mom but he just mumbled he was fine. So she left and we had our first day of being stuck with each other. I found out even though I’m old we have a lot of the same tastes. Like video games, we both dig Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty, are really into hard core rap and we are major fans of SpongeBob. It was then that I pretty much knew that even if I wasn’t his real dad it wouldn’t totally blow if I pretended to be it for awhile. I mean he was a lot more fun to hang out with than most of my buddies. He’s not able to buy beer but I could live with that. Maybe that’s what they call love. Maybe it’s just that he listens to my stories about when I could have been somebody and even I had gotten tired of hearing myself tell them. Maybe not. Who knows? I think he might have to go back to his mom’s soon cuz his school is gonna start up. He could take the bus from my place but since she lives like 6 hours from here he would have to get up really, really early to catch it. When he does split I gotta admit I’m gonna miss him. Didn’t even know that I would dig having a little me around. Always thought it would be a buzz kill with the babes but boy was I wrong. In the last two weeks we’ve been going to the mall a lot and you would not believe how many ladies actually talk to me when I ask them stuff to start a conversation, like “ My kid is thirsty, where’s the Orange Julius at?” or “My son is an Eagle Scout if anything comes up that needs taken care of, I’m just saying he’s been trained to handle anything” and most of them start talking to me like they’ve known me for years. Without him it was really tough to get any female under 60 to make eye contact so don’t tell me having a kid is drag. What I’m thinking about is maybe asking his mom to let him stay with me on some holidays like Super Bowl Sunday, Halloween and possibly St. Patrick’s Day. Christmas and birthdays would be kinda expensive so I’d be flexible with her and not try to come between them or anything. She is his mom you know. I think he does kinda like me. I just pick up a vibe that he wouldn’t mind being like me when he grows up and that’s pretty damn neat cuz there was a chance he could have been pissed his new dad wasn’t famous or owned a great stereo. I mean even I might have been bummed just a little when I first met myself. It would even be cool if I started sleeping with his mom again but the deal killer on that one is she’s married to a Marine. He’s somewhere in that sandy part of the world right now but sooner or later he’ll be home so that’s not a great idea and even though the guy knows the kid isn’t his I guess he treats him pretty well so I should probably just leave well enough alone with her. Yep, this has been a real interesting summer. I was thinking the highlight was going to the Grand Funk concert at the casino but no, that didn’t even rate. Not when you find out word that you’re a dad (maybe) and the kid looks you in the eye and says for the first time what do you have to eat in the fridge? Shopping for two was a real trip. Like all of a sudden the visits to Safeway were about something more than buying munchies. I had to buy fruits and vegetables. Toilet paper instead of Kleenex. Read those expiration dates thingy’s on stuff. You know, junk I never used to do. It was like going to the grocery store was now a job or something. That I won’t miss when he heads home to his mom’s. Oh well, I should end this thing about now cuz I need to go next door to check on my Penthouse collection. Greg my neighbor is keeping them until he leaves. Not that the kid hasn’t seen a naked lady before but drooling over the same Pet as my (could be) son kinda creeps me out. Anyway, I’ll keep you up on anything he does that’s good like being class president or selling a shit load of magazine subscriptions. He is my son (?) you know. Later. |
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| 2010-07-29 | The Scary Black People On FOX NEWS |
| When I was little whenever the face of that wicked witch on the Wizard Of Oz would come on the tv I would start feeling really scared. Don’t know exactly why cuz she doesn’t like murder a ton of people and munch on their livers or anything. In fact I don’t think she even kills anyone in the thing but still she made me pee the bed a few times after being forced to watch her by my older sister. Just a peek of her black Gothy dress, green face and pointy nose would do the trick. Even these days when I’m flipping the channel and come across her I really, really quickly go to Sports Center or The 700 Club and hope I don’t have to change the sheets the next morning. What I’m getting at here is I do know what it feels like to be freaked out. Now I’ve said it. So when other people go through this I think I know how they feel. Most don’t like to admit it. I mean who wants to seem like a total pussy to everyone? Like right now I’m betting I’m gonna regret telling you about my wicked witch story but it does help me explain why the suits at FOX NEWS keep pulling out their version of a wicked witch (black folks) for the people who drink up their channel 24/7. They do it cuz it works for them! Duh. Now I know not everyone is scared of black people, I mean the NBA is popular even in Oklahoma City but away from the arenas and ballparks they still do the trick with a lot of us Americans. Show them some video of a black dude not smiling and it does get the juices going. Can you blame them after they maybe lost their job or girlfriend to one of them? Everyone knows that white people are sick and tired of getting the short end of the stick these days just cuz of the color of their skin so thank god FOX NEWS is there for them. Like where would they go to feel ok about being so pissed off without this channel? Smacking the kid or wife/husband is now against the law. They could take up cage fighting or Australian Rules Football but what about those guys with a beer gut who can’t see their toes or some lady with a bad back? Angry white un athletic people need someplace to let off some steam besides a militia or tea party rally. To hear someone besides themselves speak the truth about what’s going on in this country otherwise they start to worry they’re the only crazy person who thinks like that. I wonder if everyone really understands how valuable FOX NEWS is to America. Yeah a lot of liberals say Hannity, O’Reilly and Beck play their viewers like an accordion but I’m thinking they actually are doing us all a big favor. If these guys were around in March of 1968 maybe James Earl Ray doesn't shoot Martin Luther King, just maybe he would have sat in front of his black n white console glued to somebody who sounded like those guys and knew his kinda country wasn't going anywhere after all so maybe he didn't need to do something stupid. It’s possible that Rupert’s posse gives a bit of hope to a butt load of right wing wack jobs who just might be shooting up the country right now. There’s nothing scarier than someone with no hope right? When this channel first came on cable tv in 1986 they had to make sure it didn’t get lost in cable hell so they figured out the way to blow up quick, speak to the abused white guys who will never have much money but will go to their grave thinking they will. From the get go it worked pretty freaking well. It didn’t hurt that they paid all the cable companies way more than the other news channels to be carried so they got put on basic cable everywhere. Like that “Catch A Predator” socialist channel is on the package you gotta pay a few bucks more for and CNN was so flipping boring it was almost like a rigged game or something. Ok it did take a little while to get their act together and become mega popular with those Ricky Nelson families cuz the only real “Go To” monster in those days was Al Sharpton. Jessie Jackson was still kinda big but he was sorta rhymed out and nobody cared much about what he said anymore. Al was the real deal for FOX NEWS and they owe him big time but even he got too safe after awhile (especially when he hosted SNL) so they had to keep finding even scarier Negro’s. It must be a tough gig for the suits there cuz like pro wrestling, the show can’t go on without a bad guy, someone wearing a black hat. I wouldn’t want their job cuz I know they have to work their ass off to keep it fresh. Like lately they’ve gone to the way, way back machine by showing this leader of "The New & Improved Black Panther Party” and his 8 followers to spook the bejesus out of the FOX NEWS nation. You can still catch them there whenever you’re surfing the dial but they really hit paydirt for a few seconds with that totally sorta racist Shirley Sherrod lady. You know, she was the black government worker who said that years ago she was still kinda bummed her father was murdered and no one cared down there in the South so when she had a job helping poor people from losing their farms she thought about not really doing much for this white dude when he asked for a hand in keeping his spread. I guess someone taped it and later sent a little bit of it to this nice man named Andrew Breitbart. He thought it was so neat he put it up on his website (for free). Aren’t the internets cool? Anyway, so everyone now knows she did go the extra yard for the guy and the farm is still in the family to this day but just think, if no one ever came up with the rest of her speech on that video she could have been way bigger than ACCORN or even Hitler for FOX NEWS. For real. Now they have to go out and find somebody new to serve up, I mean they could just use some old Al Sharpton junk until they come up with someone else but that would be pretty lame. I’m pretty sure they’ll give this their best shot and maybe they will find say a rapper who gives free crack away with to fans buying a t-shirt and or posters at his concerts. Or a welfare mom who ate her babies when she ran out of snacks. Or a pimp who has a stable of horses for a very special group of johns? Who knows but it’s gotta be bigger and better than before cuz it just has to be. If they don’t feed their fans what they want, well things could get real, real ugly and fast. That’s the dirty little (not so) secret with FOX NEWS and it should make everyone in this country who says “it’s no different than all those left wing news channels” take a long shower and afterward maybe a spray some Lysol all over too, especially in those hard to find places. Later. |
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| 2010-07-20 | LeBron's Got Next |
| I get it now. It took me a few days to figure it out but I guess it sorta makes sense. I mean as long as he knows every slow, overweight slob with no J (ok, like me) at Y’s everywhere will totally hate him to his grave then it’s all good. Who would ever like a dude who stacked his 5 instead of shooting for teams like regular people? Ok, except assholes like him? I mean I’m pretty sure he would like himself. I know, I know he’s the “King” but wasn’t there a war way back in this country because of some other King who was a dick too right? That one may have started over taxes and stuff but just about everyone has always hated Kings, all of them, especially these days with so many people out of work. It’s a no brainer when 3 monster stars on the same squad are gonna make over 100 mill apiece to play a game for 5 years it kinda makes them more hate able than the Yankees, the Cowboys or anything Donald Trump has got his stubby little hands on. This is Howard Stern money we are taking about! I know all three of them, Wade, Bosh and James say one ball is enough to play with but when they look at league stats and see that a ton of players that couldn’t beat them at horse (even spotting them h-o-r-s) are now way ahead of them in ppg, well it won’t go down well without a hell of a lot of sugar. Pat Riley can say it’s all about the rings but when the three of them keep seeing their own ppg around 16 or 18 a game they’re gonna snap. That’s Andre Iguodala or Al Harrington territory and it’ll make them puke to know everyone will be checking it out on the internets and laughing their butts off. I mean Michael had a decent posse around him and he delivered over 30 a game in his career. So what I’m getting at here is no matter what they say now points do matter, especially to these guys. Think of Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire bunting runners over instead of going for the pump every time they stepped up to bat. It never happened. It’s in their DNA to be glory hounds. You know what I mean? I tried to think of when I might have been in a situation (not that Jersey dudes abs, while on a job) like LeBron and the only thing I could remember was when I was working at a McDonalds in high school. A couple buddies of mine worked at KFC and wanted me to quit and join them. Be like a dream fast food team on the afternoon shift. It sounded good so without really thinking about it I made the jump. Big mistake. Never even crossed my mind who would be the lead worker. The guy who makes sure no one steals toilet paper or chicken gizzards out of the freezer. Someone has to be the QB no matter how good of buddies you are. That’s what totally killed our buddieness cuz all three of us wanted to be in charge and there could only be one lead worker (and yeah, it wasn’t me). I still don’t talk to Carl or Steve to this day cuz I know I could have done a decent job as the head man but I never got a fair shot (after I got fired at KFC I went back to McDonalds and was a lead on the graveyard shift for almost a week until they caught me borrowing a case of ketchup packets so I know for real I’m management material). Listening to Carl telling me to pick up the pace and later Steve (when Carl quit school and joined the navy) got me so pissed I sometimes put dead ants in their Pepsi’s. It happens. The little people have feelings too man. I didn’t watch LeBron’s “The Decision” movie of the week on ESPN cuz I had other stuff to do (watch Pawn Stars) but I saw the highlights on the news and there’s no doubt he set a world record for those 5th person sayings. Like “LeBron just wants to win” or “LeBron is a loyal person” and oh yeah, “LeBron thirsty, get him a bottle of water.” Someday I’m gonna be somebody and be able to talk in that 5th person way in a bar or something and no one will kick my ass. You gotta dream don’t cha think? Anyway, I guess a billion and a half people watched the “King” drop the word that he was splitting from his hometown and it didn’t exactly go over well there. Now there’s Hitler, Ted Bundy and him in Ohio. There’s a better chance people there will now name their boy babies Nancy than LeBron from here on out so maybe it would be a good idea to hire someone to move his shit to the new South Beach crib. I’m just saying. So I guess the deal with this is pretty simple, if you want to ditch your hometown squad for an automatic win team so be it but don’t call your self the “King” ever again. Can’t say my supporting cast. Can’t thank the guys off the bench for picking him up when he’s had an off night. Can’t even predict a threepeat or fivepeat cuz Wade and Bosh would be winning those without you. He’s not the cake or the frosting, we’re talking just the candles here. Really the only upside for him is he is gonna get 4 or 5 free rings from the league without having to buy them at Jerad, The Galleria Of Jewelry. Now he gets to hunt at the zoo. Fish at a salmon farm. Deal himself black jack over and over. If you ask me this was really weak LeBron. Later. |
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| 2010-07-09 | Russian Spies? |
| I finally did make it down to the library and was able to snag my favorite computer, the one by the ladies room. It’s almost as good as sitting next to the ladies room at bars cuz sooner or later you get to check out every woman in the place, more than once if they’re drinking coffee. When I first sat down I thought this kinda blonde woman sorta winked at me going in. It turned out I was wrong cuz on the way out she walked right by me without returning my double wink back. It’s really tough to pull off a double wink (using both eyes at the same time) without looking like you are wacked out of your mind. Whatever. Anyway, I guess it’s time to crank out a new one of my blog dealy bob’s so here goes. So what’s up with all these Russian spies everywhere? I mean I thought that country went out of business or something. I know they still make vodka and have a ton of mail order brides but hey aren’t they pretty much a joke these days? Why would this wacky country that can’t even keep track of all their own nuclear junk order people to come over to America to steal information that they wouldn’t probably know what to do with? If it was so important why don’t they just stay home in like Siberia and just download whatever they needed from the internets on their phones? They could have saved some major cash man. Who was the brain there that thought this was a good idea? Boris Badenov? Then I started to wonder what the hell were they really looking for? What top secrets would the wannabe bozo’s I saw on the news actually be able to get? Why do Americans eat corn nuts? Why is Kansas City in Missouri? Is Dick Cheney really a cyborg and will never die? Junk that the Russkies might want to know about but there are more important secrets out there and these doofuses were snooping around in all the wrong places. Even I know that all our good stuff that anyone would want to steal is in one place and it ain’t in Washington DC or some military base. Nope. It’s Hollywood. Duh! The only place these days we make something just about everyone in the world digs and is willing to pay for. Forget about secret plans about some invisible plane or bombs that can spit the earth in half, they should be finding out how we can still sell re runs of Full House to like Romania or Jonas Brothers CD’s to China. That is way more valuable than anything some spook could want to steal. The real money question is how the good old USA can keep selling total crap to the rest of the world? It’s frigging amazing. From what I read in my neighbor’s paper we busted 10 of them and tossed them in jail. I guess they had like 4 of our guys we flipped in their own gray bar hotel. So us and them did what anybody would do when your buddies get caught red handed, they made a trade. Now I know some Fox News fans might be pissed our commie prez making such a shitty deal, 10 for 4 but who knows if one of our 4 was like totally cool and we really, really wanted him back so he was actually worth 8 or 9 by himself. You just don’t know. Anyway, the trade couldn’t be worse than Robert “Tractor” Traylor for Dirk Nowitzki. Nuff said huh? The one thing I do know is trying to steal secrets is a tough biz. I remember in the 10th grade when I swiped a civics test from Mr. Rathborne’s desk before finals. I thought it was a major score, made a bunch of copies, sold them for 5 bucks apiece and then found out later he sticks out a fake test every year just to see who the slimeballs of his class are. I know, very old trick. I’m thinking most of those 10 losers from the sorta Soviet Union are now wishing they would have just quit and bought a mobile home in like Fresno or Huntsville. Now they get shipped home and they lose everything that’s so neat about this country like HBO, Youporn and Orange Julius. What a bummer. I’m betting our guys though have already bought a Miami Heat jersey on the way home at the airport and got stocked up on a butt load of kettle corn too. Hopefully we can see them on Jay Leno’s show soon and find out what they were able to uncover for our country. Well I gotta go now cuz a new Mall Cops – Mall of America is on TLC and that is must see tv for me this summer. Later. |
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